Rushin’ Retirement

I met this lady online who reads this blog. From all accounts, she loves the posts. With her birthday coming up, she requested that I write a post and dedicate it to her. For her birthday. Which is today. March 7th.

Well, who am I to refuse a request for an article from a female fan? Actually, who am I refuse a request for an article? No one else has ever asked me to write and dedicate anything to them. People have made suggestions, yes, some articles, such as the Mishti Doi propaganda piece, came from suggestions by friends. I even, once, wrote a pome on request! I mean how low could I possibly sink, how desperate could I be when it comes to finding a suitable topic? The correct answer is, “pretty low, quite desperate.”.

Now this request is not any where as low as the request for a pome. You all know my feelings about poetry. You don’t? Haven’t you been reading this blog? It has well over 200 posts on it. I have delved into my psyche and declared many things to you. Let’s just do a quick recap, just for your lazy benefit, then, shall we?

Love:

• Okra
• The Beloved Bangalan
• socks
• cricket
• reading
• music
• trivia
• bugging people
• sneakers
• all shoes
• coffee
• bread
• rotis ( round, triangular, square, or polygonal, roasted ( griddle or tandoor) or fried, ( deep, griddle), any type of flour, though whole wheat is healthy, they tell me.
• legspin
• crosswords
• writing
• theatre
• comedy
• wordplay

Hate:

• Cats
• Politics
• Organized Prescriptive Religion
• Medieval fantasies ( unless they include plenty of scantily clad women, ready to show a bit of this and that and these and those at the drop of a swashbuckle – then I may watch it, only if I can FF to the good bits. )
• plotless action movies
• explosions
• Windows ( any flavour )
• circular arguments
• running
• NFL, NHL, NBA
• swordplay

Don’t Mind or Secretly Enjoy:

• romantic comedies
• psychological drama
• walks in the park
• dogs ( not chihuahuas ..)
• bicycling
• holding hands with the object of my infatuation
• kissing under the stars on a moonlit night ( You won’t see too many stars on a moonlit night, I know. Have you no romance? )
• swimming ( but I don’t know how, so that should read “drowning” and be moved up to the Hate section )
• lying around on a breezy beach with a long cool woman in a red bikini serving me a long cool drink upon request. Bikini optional.

Now, once you’ve perused this list, I shall tell you about The Requestor, aka, The Birthday Girl. She has retired, small r. Why small r, you ask? Let me tell you why small r. Go grab a drink, this may take a while. What? Of course. Upto this point I’ve only written 463 words or thereabouts so we’re not even halfway there!

Let’s inspect the concept of retirement. Retirement is the stage of your life when you stop rushing around in the mornings, frantically brushing you hair and teeth, figuring out which brush to use for which, the scrambled breakfasts of scrambled coffee and defrosted pop tarts, the rush for the keys, the bag, kiss the dog, pat the spouse, the commute to the office. And that’s just the beginning of the day!

Once you’re in office there is no respite. The phone will ring just as the girl who sits next to you is telling you about her date last weekend, the boss sends crazy requests and forwards emails with cryptic messages, then there are meetings. Yes, meetings, those social gatherings where a free and frank exchange of inanities and platitudes takes place leading to a total lack of action. That brings you to lunch, where you jostle for space at the line for the microwave or the deli, wait for “lunch specials” and barely have time to catch a breath before it’s back to round 2 of the big daily fight.

But wait! There’s more…..There is the lousy commute home. Tired and annoyed, you get home to squawking kids, the dinner prep, the zombie like state before the tv and a troubled night’s sleep.

Such is work. Retirement is a stage where you get up, late if you wish, make and enjoy a proper breakfast, grind and brew the perfect cup of coffee ( ok, tea, if you wish..), enjoy the news. No wait! No news! All news is bad news. 2 pedestrians killed, shooting somewhere, stab victim in hospital, loonie with orange face made some outrageous comment, a religious nutjob blew himself up somewhere together with a few innocents.

Avoid the news. Turn on the music, find a good book, relax, smell the flowers, no wait! Your allergies! Lounge around in your pyjamas ( or boxers, if you prefer ). Generally, slow down and take it easy. Write a bit, read this blog, take up sewing, knitting, pottery, painting. You know…. something quiet and easy. Retirement with a capital R. A chance to do what the Bongs call “boshna“, which is essentially comprised of much sitting around and lamenting on the harried life you lead.

What you don’t want is a rushin’ retirement. A rushin’ retirement is the kind of retirement where you wake up at 4am ( yeah, I mean, it’s the middle of the freakin’ night! ), then you get ready, put on your running shoes and go for a 50km run. Only on Mondays and Thursdays, though. On Tuesdays you go for a 25km swim. Wednesdays a gentle 75km bicycle ride. On Friday, you relax with a couple of hours of squash and on Saturdays you cool down with a leisurely 5 sets of lawn tennis. Finally, on Sunday you go for a recreational swim of about 10k. Every other month you sign up for a marathon or two, just to keep you energized. You don’t want those muscles atrophying through disuse, now, do you?

Well, that’s what she does, the Lady Requestor! Or something very similar! Oh, did I forget to mention an Ironman or two every 6 months? And she’s infected her daughter, son-in-law as well. I’m not too sure whether the grandkids have developed symptoms yet or not…. Only a matter of time, I fear.

My respects to the lady! Happy Birthday, my dear! And you readers can wish her a happy birthday too. Remember she’s doing my share of exercising too…

And now, I fall back exhausted from the sheer effort of writing this dedication. The word goes around that Ajesh Sharma is tired, spent, finished, tuckered out. He needs to indulge in a rejuvenating bout of boshna…..

Meanwhile, I suppose The Lady Requestor is lacing up for another little 25km jog….