Introductions

Hello and welcome! We are gathered here today at this purply blog to learn How To Waste Time.

Now, if you are a regular visitor, or reader, of this website, and especially, its blog, we must first, not only commend your patience, your perseverance and your dogged insistence on wasting your time, but also applaud your yearning for learning. If you are a first timer here, well, we shall see what can be done for you.

In either case, I am sure there’s more to learn in this world, and learning never ends, so there will be more for everyone here, as we get started on How To Waste Time.

As an added bonus, free of charge, for an unlimited time, while stocks last, or this website stays up, I shall also teach you “Why You Should Waste Time.”

How’s that for a bonus, eh?

Time

Let’s understand “time”, first. Time has always existed.

Before we jump in, though, please admire this photograph I took, once upon a time, on a long hike through the Yorkshire Dales.

Yes, there were plenty of sheep around, but you may recognise this from the Harry Potter movie……..

So, admittedly, time was a local and, rather slapdash, affair, once upon a time.

It gained major importance as the Industrial Revolution, which begat modern corporate slavery, which begat the even more modern Internet Revolution which begat the current model of corporate slavery and social media bondage, came to be. As people went from mucking about in the dirt being peasants to being workers in factories, it became important that the lords could compensate them for their efforts. Probably due the activism of the “lefties”, of which I am one, sadly. I say “sadly”, because lefties have lost their way and are well on their way to a serious defeat in campaigns around the world. I spoke briefly about this in this essay.

Pestilence

So anyway, what was required was a system, by which the lords could calculate the “productivity” of the poor unfortunates, working in the dimly lit, poorly ventilated slave camps that the lords called factories.

This begat another breed of pest, the accountant, aka bean counter. These accountants have now proliferated the earth in large humourless numbers, vending their pedantry with dogged determination. They are now in direct cahoots with the second layer of pests; lawyers. They’ve taken over large businesses and driven them into a sort of productless oblivion driven by stripping assets, reducing costs willy nilly and sacrificing actual production at the altar of the stock exchange. Look up that article I read somewhere where someone talked about how the zealous pursuit of money, has destroyed corporates into shells, without any real products and little to none trained staff. I’m too lazy to find the link, right now. I’d rather waste my time elsewhere. Actually, there’s plenty of material out there that talks about the loss of innovation, product development, and quality, at the expense of that horrendously manipulated scam called “Shareholder value”.

(The tech bro is a relatively new breed of pest and requires its own thesis – given that I narrowly missed being one myself. When I say “narrowly”, I mean by a widish margin, saved only by the grace of all the gods and goddesses I do not believe in. I also almost fell into the finance well, as well, but, all is well. I was hauled out from the edge by a miracle.)

Pestilence – 2

Time was, therefore, broken up by time zones to more accurately define what part of the day or night a parcel of land may be in. All this was done by the light of the moon, or sun, or something. It allowed the lords to calculate how much to pay the slaves, how much to whip them for greater good, viz their profits. The lords’ profits. No, no, not the peasants! Duh!

In 2025, we’re back to the point of “Why do we need to pay these poor unfortunates who don’t understand how to scam the system to become rich?”

(ok, enough of the social commentary! I’m going to press pause on the liberal feelings.. sniff)

Now that we know all about time, or almost all, or all that I know, or most of what I know, or almost most of what I think I know, we can head on to learn some techniques to waste time.

How To Waste Time: 1.0

Read up on how time zones were created, why they were created and what purpose they serve. As supplementary reading enjoy a moment of reflection on the concept of changing time, such as Daylight Savings Time. This should occupy a fair portion of your time, and cause you to be accused of wasting your time.

It is likely that you will find daylight savings time is a valuable lesson in the Art of Futility, while time zones are mildly useful in the new order where technology allows us to save time so we can waste it annoying people across the world. Or working for The Man.

Consider this as lesson 1.0 in How To Waste Time.

Homework 1.0

To waste even more time, write out a 1000 word essay on the issue of time zones and DST. Submit report here. If we like it, or if we receive it, we will publish it! With all credit to you, of course! I didn’t have to actually say that! But I did. Thus, aha, you’re getting it now! Yep. Wasting time! See?

Winning, already, with this first assignment! On to the next! After seeing this photograph I took of a famous thingy in a famous city.

How To Waste Time: 2.0

So!

IF time has always existed, and is basically a matter of dividing the day into convenient sections, to teach ourselves when to eat (when hungry) AND sleep (when tired) AND work (when whipped) AND relax (never) AND post crap on social media (always) THEN can we waste it? ENDIF

Ok, that was poor, very poor, extremely poor, criminally and abysmally poor code formatting! You’re fired!
Hah, I can’t be! I own this website! So there!
Drat! Ok, you’re not fired! But we look at you askance!
Who’s we?
All of us!
Aren’t you one of us?
Yeah! Ok, let’s call it a draw!

Ok, we’re back after wasting our time, and yours, with that inner debate. Once upon a time, when I held the post of High Priest of Code, with the power to Reject, Rebuke and Reprimand, I had passed strict laws about

• formatting
• variable naming conventions
• comment to show what the hell you think you’re doing so I can understand what the hell I was doing when I revisit the code three (3) months or weeks later!

But those days are now gone and I waste my time trying to teach you how to waste yours.

Ok, the question we have to wrestle with is this; if it’s a matter of dawn, daylight, dusk and dark and really no more than that, we cannot actually waste it, can we?

The word on the street is that we can indeed waste it. Now, we, as in the 4 or 5 of us personalities here at SloWord, are open to alternate views on the matter.

Homework 2.0

Send in a 500 page thesis that explores the concept of waste, the concept of time and the marriage of Figaro within the construct of the modern media and its place in the lives of our modern existence. Bonus points will be awarded for exploring the sonnets of Shakespeare within the framework of classic train journeys across Europe and the murders that may have been committed on them.

Note that shorter statements in the form of comments here will also be considered valid, though there may be some pursing of lips, raising of eyebrows and tapping of feet and akimboing of arms in such a case.

How To Waste Time: 3.0

Ok, we’ve established that time, perhaps, exists. Also, that we can actually waste it. How? Well, the people say so. Important people. Big burly people with millions in the bank and tears in their eyes have proclaimed it to be so. There are books written by consultants, knowledgeable people, gurus and such like, with titles such as The X Number of Habits of Successful Folk, How to Manage Time etc.

Which last brings us to the construct – The Management of Time, or Time Management.

Apparently, this is a crucial, critical and completely compelling form of Management with a Capital M. In fact, a lack of this can lead to condemnation, censure and castigation.

Ok, no more c! I’m done with c. Also, C.

We come, therefore, to the conclusion, (sorry!) that we have to Manage it. Mind it, as they say in them there parts of the world.

Homework 3.0

Tell us, in no less than 100 (one hundred) words, and in a manner most evaluative, expository, explanatory and essentially boring, why we must manage something whose existence is not completely without flaws.

This will lead, or should, to a surfeit of the letter e. And E. But that’s ok! Right?

How To Waste Time: 4.0

Now, you’ve written those reports, researched the articles, and generally told yourself how well you’ve done at following my instructions and wasting your time. Right?

But wait, there’s more!

Homework 4.0

If you’re retired, or have been asked to please go away and become so, you have loads of that thing we talked about up there. Time. Yep. You have loads of it. So why not waste it, or as I like to say, in a more correct fashion, spend it. You could do many different things. Pick something off this list. Or tell us what else you might do. I

If you’re not retired, but are still looking for ways to spend your time, or even if you are, I’d like to read your essay on your favorite things to do with your time. Or go ahead and do the poll, too!

If you’re retired, or have been asked to please go away and become so, you have loads of that thing we talked about up there. Time.

Why You Should Waste Time

And now, time has come, for us to talk about Why You Should Waste Time.

In another essay, I had talked about How to Watch Paint Dry (and Why You Should). A lot of what I said there holds true here.

Time is an important, if abstract, construct. We have only so much daylight, and so much darkness. Also, dawn and dusk. Some of the best photos I’ve taken have been of dusk, because I’m usually not a morning person, so the dawn’s early light is a rare sight, for me.

This is odd because I used to have classes starting at 6AM, in university, and I have up before the dawn those years. In later years, I was in a meeting every single weekday with the CEO, at 8AM, right across town from my house, over the busiest highway in the world. However, to paraphrase Bob Dylan – And I’ve never gotten used to it, I’ve just learned to sleep it off.

The crux of the matter is:

What you do with the space between waking up and going to sleep.
What you do with the space between bouts of drinking and eating.
What you do with the space created by what you discard and what you keep.
What you do with the space you need for the people you’re meeting.

You got it. Think!

Think about what you want from life.
Think about those who create strife.
Think about the side you choose.
Think about what you will lose.
If you don’t think, you’re giving up your power
To those who live to make your life sour.

Conclusion

If you’re still looking at ways to spend your time, you can write a book or two, like I did. You can find more about them here.

Nah: a much, much better thing to do is write me a piece for The Irregular SloWord BirthMonth Festival. Find out WHAT, WHEN, HOW and, most importantly, WHY, right here.